Elliot

Elliot.  The sweet little baby we will never meet here but will be in our hearts forever.

We found out in July that our family was growing and that we would soon be a party of 5.  We were thrilled!!  It took us a little while to decide whether or not we we would have another baby so we were beyond excited!  My first ob appointment was scheduled for mid August.  

The first 8 weeks of pregnancy went relatively well comparing my pregnancies with Rory and Andrew. I confided in a few friends that I was a little worried because my symptoms weren't very strong.  I wasn't that tired and only slightly nauseous occasionally.  It surely meant that I was having a girl since the symptoms were different.  

Josh and I were liked two giddy kids in a toy store at our first appointment but our hopes were quickly dashed. As soon as the ultrasound picture flashed I knew something wasn't right.  At 8 weeks, our baby should have looked like a little gummy bear but he wasn't.  Our doctor was serious but hopefully because we could see a heartbeat.  Elliot was measuring a solid 2 weeks behind.  We had a 50/50 shot; either my dates were wrong or this baby would not grow.  I was scheduled to come back in a week to measure growth.  

It was the longest week of my life.

Our next appointment would be one of the worst days of my life.  Elliot had not grown at all and there was no longer a heartbeat.  It's likely he/she died not too long after we saw him.  I just felt broken.  I wept.  I had grown 2 babies before so what was different now.    My doctor and her entire office were so compassionate.  I wouldn't have made it through that moment without them.

After trying to let my body miscarry on it's own, trying medicine to start the process, I ultimately had a d&c.  It was such a weird day.  I was looking forward to the sleep the medicine would bring because it had been weeks since I had decent night sleep but also hating it would be the last day Elliot would be with me. 

I'm beyond grateful for my amazing doctor, family and friends that stepped into support our family.  There were days I was truly getting by on the prayers of other people said on my behalf. 

In order for me to heal, I felt a strong desire to give our baby a name.  I had recently taken Rory to see the movie Pete's Dragon and fell in love with the name Elliot.  I knew it was the name for our baby.  That was before I knew anything was wrong.   I had read the book Heaven is For Real, and the boy described children there who were still waiting for names from their parents.  I didn't want our baby waiting for a name and it brought me healing to have a name and say it aloud.   Josh and I planted a tree in our backyard as memorial.  We call it "Elliot's Tree."  It is a maple and has beautiful bright red leaves in the fall.  I foresee many family pictures in front of Elliot's Tree.  I enjoy looking out at our backyard, seeing the swing set the boys play on and Elliot's tree just a few feet away.  

 

 

Miscarriage is a silent tragedy and produces silent grief.  It's not an experience that people talk about but it very common.  I was beyond blessed that I literally had a team of people rally around me and support me.  Even though it's been two months to the day, those people haven't left me.  It's a hurt that stays in your heart and doesn't go away.  I'm thankful that the hope we have ensures that someday we will meet Elliot and see his sweet little face.